The real estate business can be brutal on the emotions. Most of us, at one time or another, have had to deal with the emotional toll of losing a client. It hurts to have a person you know you did a super job for in the past, who you've kept in contact with and seemingly done all the right things to create a client for life, make a move without you. Do you take it to heart and get depressed, or perhaps downright angry? Or, do you use it as an opportunity to take a hard look at your business and see what can be learned?

The Media Buzz

Consumers are inundated with information from many sources, some credible and some not. The vast amount of information available on the Internet often serves to confuse, rather than inform. Undifferentiated facts and figures do not necessarily lead to a more informed consumer. It's the critical ability you have to put the information into a context that serves the needs of the consumer. But many are seeing all the media hype.

The current best seller Freakonomics portrays real estate agents in an unfavorable light. CCN's recent series suggested we were raking in the money, hand over fist. Competition with the flat fee or discount companies is here to stay and has driven commission competition to extremes, in some cases. I hear heartbreaking stories from agents who have lost a client to someone else or seen that client go the FSBO route after having done all the right things with follow-up after the sale, consistent contact and client parties. It's all fine and well for their coach to tell them not to take it personally, but it feels pretty darn personal!

Critique and Upgrade

I coach my clients to look carefully at the business generated the previous year and to determine the source of each transaction when they do their annual business planning. Few agents spend the time to assess this and to see in black and white what is working and what isn't. For the ones that do, they have an edge because this information shows the trends and the opportunities.

It is just as important to do a critique on the business you lose. If you don't know why they listed or bought with someone else, you owe it to yourself to find out. What really happened? Looking at the facts can take the personal pain out of the equation.

Perhaps the client's brother just got his license or some other personal relationship put them in a position to choose someone other than you. If you actually had the opportunity to make the listing presentation and weren't chosen, you need to ask "why" when they call you. There may have been nothing you could have done better. If that is the case, the sooner you let go of the anger and hurt, the better! Free up that energy to places where you can do something!

Learn From Each Loss

Perhaps, though, there was some place you dropped the ball. Critiquing the loss is the time to realize you have an opportunity to raise your standards, to serve your clients better and to understand what opportunities are in today's markets. There is a lesson in each loss. In that way, it really is a gift because you are receiving important information about what it is going to take to stay competitive and to win the next one. Ask yourself:

• Did you assume they'd do business with you and fail to give 100 percent on the listing presentation?

• Did you fail to show hard facts and figures that justify the commission you charge?

• Did you fail to take action at the first mention that they might be thinking of a move?

• Did you fail to explain you could show them a FSBO or how they should handle it if they saw something while out driving around?

• Did you explain what they should do if they went into an open house with another agent or into a new home subdivision?

• Did you stay in touch only by noninteractive methods ( i.e. mail and email)?

Now, adjust your business to what you have just learned. Never assume again that you have the business because people have been loyal in the past. Add new action steps to your checklists and systems -- additional steps to raise the bar. Decide also what business you don't want or at what price you'd rather say adios. Your goal is not to get each and every piece of business, but to work with people who are fun and appreciate you and your services. There will be bargain hunters, and unless you want to work that niche, they are better left to others. Play your game expertly and you will have lots of business.

Never Burn Bridges

Lastly, even if a client has gone elsewhere, they may later regret their decision. If you continue to treat them with grace, you'll find you have left open a door for them to see their mistake and reconnect with you. Venting your anger and disappointment when they have made a wrong decision, will only set up their need to defend what they did. So, let them know you are disappointed, want them to hear what you could have done differently, and that you wish them well. And never, ever take it personally!