After she was abducted and assaulted over a two-day period by a client to whom she was showing a house, Paula Herrington took a somewhat unorthodox approach to moving ahead with her life. She wrote her attacker a letter. And she forgave him.

Dear Tim,

I don't understand why I feel the need to write to you, or even what I expect from doing so.

I need to tell you how much you hurt me. I think you know from my testimony, but I wasn't telling you directly. I need you to know.

I don't need a response, nor do I care what it is. I imagine it could range from "Ha, ha, you bitch. I got to you," to "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." As I said, it doesn't matter.

Also, I need to tell you, "I forgive you." If I didn't, it would eat me up inside. The Lord's Prayer says, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." My faith gives me the strength, love, and grace to forgive you.

I pray you can find your faith. In the end, it is the only thing of this life that matters.

You were right; they don't understand. They have all kinds of psychobabble for it, but they don't know. It didn't happen to them.

However, you did not break my spirit. My life has new meaning. I've been made stronger. It will take time to heal -- for the pain to go away -- but I will heal.

Paula

Former Realtor Paula Herrington, who tells the story of her two-day kidnapping and assault in Part 3 (Wednesday) of this week's "Every Realtor's Nightmare" series, is unsure if she'll ever return to her profession in the same capacity. Yet she's attempting to heal her psychological wounds, which have endured much longer than her physical ones. Both Herrington and Joan Malone, whose story was the subject of Part 2 of the series, are likely to have faced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a common side effect for victims of violence -- and one that often takes effect months after the traumatic event occurred. Sexual assault, which both women experienced (Malone fought off the attempted assault, while Herrington's attacker was successful) is considered one of the most significant traumatic incidents because of its personal nature, coupled with the fact that victims endure an event outside their control.

Symptoms of PTSD include intrusive flashbacks of the assault; "waking flashbacks," experienced with an intense sense of reality; dreams of the assault; intense psychological physiological distress, provoked by internal and external cues that remind the victim of the attack; physiological overreactivity or hypervigilance, including exaggerated startle response; avoidance of discussing the attack; avoidance of places, people, or things that recall the attack (in Part 3 of the series, Herrington stated that when she tried to resume her business, showing homes to clients, that closed closet doors triggered fear and memories of her attack); feeling of being apart from other people or that there is no future; and a variety of other side effects including insomnia, irritability, and trouble concentrating.

Resuming the day-to-day activities of life, including work, is indeed helpful for some. However, if the victim pushes the attack out of his or her mind, refusing to come to terms with the event, long-term effects may creep in, including lasting emotional distress, self-destructive behavior, interpersonal problems, and behavioral disorders, according to the American Medical Association.

Both Malone and Herrington say that part of their recovery process has come from directing their anger outward rather than inward. Malone has tried to find someone to draft legislation which would require prospective clients to submit to criminal background checks before they're shown properties. Her queries have fallen upon deaf ears at three firms in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

"I don't seem to be able to drum up any support for this," Malone says. "I'm told, 'We've done it this way for years. Why should we change?'" She plans to take the issue to RE/MAX International, rather than targeting people on the local level, she says.

It's a given that any victim will need outside sources of support. The best friends and family members are those who stay calm, listen, and refrain from blaming, criticizing, or taking over. While some people shy away from emotionally intense situations, they may want to offer their support through practical means -- cooking meals, providing transportation, or baby-sitting, for example. Hotline counselors or in-person counselors are effective for victims who seek a completely objective source of support. Counselors also have the added benefit of being an excellent resource of information about the recovery process and available resources. They may also serve as potential advocates for victims who run into bureaucratic roadblocks while attempting to obtain various services. Support groups and psychotherapy are effective solutions for some survivors, as well.

Coming tomorrow: a special fifth segment brings you safety tips from experts and from the two Realtors profiled in this week-long series.

Click here for: Part 1

Click here for: Part 2

Click here for: Part 3

Published: July 23, 1998

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