Have you ever let fear stop you from doing something you wanted to do, and then later regretted it? Do you think it is better to be liked than to be considered aggressive? Do you consistently lose listings to more aggressive competitors? Do you find yourself wishing that just being ethical and service-oriented were enough to make it as a REALTOR^®?

For the female REALTOR^®, who may be "people-oriented," showing aggression may not come naturally and may well have to be an acquired skill.

Deep in our nurturing roots as women, we have been enculturated to use other strategies to approach situations besides aggression. We have been taught to placate, to reroute our desires to accepted channels of expression that will square with our self-imposed images as women, mothers, and caretakers. We are also more affected by the social discomfort caused by confrontation or conflict. We place more value on relationships than results.

According to Donna Brooks and Lynn Brooks, the authors of Seven Secrets of Successful Women, it is possible to be friendly, likeable and assertive. Assertiveness is a trait shared by all successful women, who are past worrying whether they will be viewed as "bitchy" if they show aggression. Here are five suggestions to help you fine tune your aggression into assertive behavior that helps you get what you want.

1. Choose a mentor.

Is there someone in your organization you admire? Observe how she handles people, situations, and when she turns on the aggressive instincts. Ask your mentor for help. Ask her to show you how to respond to certain situations that make you uncomfortable but which she appears to handle with ease.

2. Take assertiveness classes.

Ask the instructor to base situations on real life scenarios you will be encountering.

3. Practice assertiveness away from the office.

Did you just receive poor service at a store or a restaurant. Ask to see the manager and tell her or him calmly what happened and what you expect them to do about it.

4. Ask for what you want.

You'll be surprised how often you get your way if you just ask. Order your tea with lemon on the side. Ask the service manager to take you to and from work when you have your car repaired.

5. Take more responsibility at work.

Get used to juggling more balls and higher. Volunteer to help your mentor or another agent you admire with her open house. Pick her brain while you are there and watch her in action with customers and her clients.

6. Watch your body language.

Does your mentor slouch or slump? Does she look you in the eye or glance furtively at whom she is speaking? Is your handshake firm and confident? Do you smile constantly? If so, you may be appearing as someone who is looking for approval.

7. Ask a friend to videotape you.

Only seeing yourself in certain situations will give you a clear understanding of where you need to improve. Whatever makes you wince onscreen - make a vow to change.

8. Speak less often, say more.

Do you chatter to smooth things over? to fill the lull in the convesation? It isn't your job to be the peace maker.

Learning to be assertive is like introducing any new habit or skill - practice makes perfect.

Published: September 17, 1998

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