Good communication skills may be the most important thing you can do to enhance your effectiveness and enable you to close more transactions, with fewer problems. Raising your communications awareness and competence is like making sure you do a spellcheck on every document you write - you’ll catch problems before they make you look bad and you’ll upgrade your professionalism.

It’s said that we were given 2 ears and 1 mouth in that proportion for a reason. Joyce Brothers said, "Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery." Yet many salespeople still believe learning glib scripts and manipulating the client is the way to be more effective in business. They think if they just practice the right retorts and comebacks, they will emerge a winner. This kind of dated thinking is reflective of an old win/lose paradigm. Persuasive dialog alone will never lead to success without the important elements of understanding, listening and trust that come from building a relationship. In the nineties, win/win philosophies build relationships and increase business success.

So, how are your communication skills?

Seek First to Understand and Then to be Understood.

In Stephen Covey’s classic book The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People an entire chapter is devoted to the importance of standing in the other person’s shoes. Covey distinguishes four levels of listening: Ignoring, Pretending, Selective Listening and Empathetic Listening. "Empathetic listening gets inside the other person’s frame of reference," he says. Great communicators and negotiators cite this skill as their most important.

Writer Fran Lebowitz said " The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting." Has selective listening ever sidetracked negotiations and caused hard feelings? Or have you ever assumed you know why the other person is asking for certain terms, and then found out later there was a different reason altogether? It might happen when the seller is adamant about a bottom line price. Instead of being pigheaded and arbitrary, their frame of reference is that is the only way for them to get the cash they need for their next home. By listening empathetically and asking some questions, they can listen and be educated to other possibilities, such as alternate terms and financing options that might generate what they need, even at a lower price.

When we make assumptions, we seeing things through our own experiences and view of the facts. Since the other person has different experiences, they may be looking at other facts or drawing a completely different conclusion. The more you can understand their point of view, the easier and better the communication is. This week, be on the lookout for where you are "assuming" and ask 1 or 2 more questions to clarify whether you are on track or if there is some more information you can glean by digging deeper. Assume you don't understand!

COMMUNICATION ACTION TIP#1

Think of those whose communication skills you admire. Make a list of those skills that they incorporate and then rate yourself from 1-5 on each skill. Choose one of those skills to focus on this week and raise your level of communication effectiveness.

Note: This is particularly useful with someone with whom you struggle to have easy communication. By putting the burden on yourself to understand where they are coming from and connecting from there, you will see a lessening of resistance on their part. As people have the experience of being heard, they don’t have the necessity to hold onto their point of view as tightly and they can start to hear others. Then, together, you can arrive at a solution that works for you both. What you resist, persists. Accept and be empathetic with their point of view and THEN go from there!

Know Thyself

The most effective people are those who understand their own strengths and weaknesses and are able to develop strategies to meet the demands of their environment. Psychological research that identifies four dominate personal communication styles. Different systems and interpretations give these styles different names, but ultimately identify that each style has very different ways of processing information and in communicating to others. We are each most comfortable and understand best those whose style is the same as ours (perhaps warm, friendly and caring or bottomline, results oriented). We struggle understanding where others are coming from when their styles differ (perhaps a cautious, slow quiet person).

When I coach clients, I usually begin by using two reports and doing a lengthy debrief, called the Executive Action Briefing. By understanding their motivators and knowing more about the natural strengths of their personal styles, they are then able to identify their niche markets more easily and know which clients will be the best for them to work with. Life is too short to perfect our weaknesses! Acceptance of what is natural and easy and leveraging that will bring less struggle and quicker results. An example could be an agent who is very good at details and enjoys creating charts and reports with the market data. Their listing presentation to an engineer type would be a perfect fit, because both would value the analysis and minutiae.

COMMUNICATION ACTION TIP#2

Make a list of how you do and don’t like to be communicated to. What works when others to present facts, information and requests? What pushes your buttons and drives you crazy? Next ask 1 or 2 others you work closely with to develop their lists. Then share the information with each other. This is especially effective if you are working on some team projects together.

For more on this topic, read The Platinum Rule by Tony Alessandra & Michael O’Connor consider getting your own Executive Action Briefing

Build Trust

When we exhibit a high level of integrity in all we do, it builds trust with others. You know people who you can count on to always be on time and to always do what they say they will do. Is that how others see you? Breaking little promises or not doing what you said you would and not communicating it erodes your relationships. Even showing up 5 minutes impacts how others perceive our ability to deliver on what we say we will.

COMMUNICATION ACTION TIP#3

Raise a standard for yourself in the area of communication. Do you keep your word absolutely and are you 100% count-on-able? Or are you sometimes a little sleazy or just lazy in communicating bad news? When you know you will not be able to deliver on a promise or you know there is something that needs to be discussed that is distasteful, do not wait to deliver the communication.

Implement the 10 minute rule: Within 10 minutes of knowing you need to tell the other person, take action. You’ll build trust and your integrity will be strong. Waiting and/or not communicating breakdowns and bad news exacerbates the problem, drains energy and usually turns into a crisis. How we handle the tough issues is often a measure of whether we are perceived as trustworthy and strong.

Susan RoAne, who wrote the book, What Do I Say Next? : Talking Your Way to Business and Social Success says "Respect for people is the cornerstone of communication and networking in the nineties." Keeping your word is one form of respect. Another is to not gossip. This might be a place to raise a standard, if you find yourself drawn into conversations when others aren’t present that you wouldn’t have to their face. Raise a standard by extricate yourself from these discussions!

Awareness and focus on communicating well will enhance your effectiveness in ways that no script or dialogue can ever do! Your business will be impacted when you expand your empathetic listening, know your natural style and allow others theirs and build trust through high standards of communication. And you’ll have more joy!

Published: April 19, 1999

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Joeann Fossland GRI, LTG, MCC is a dynamic speaker and business coach. Creator of THE REAL ESTATE GAMETM, she provides coaching solutions enhance your effectiveness and life balance. You can subscribe to her free monthly newsletter, attend free monthly telephone seminars, and find out about classes delivered by email and personal coaching by visiting JoeAnn.com or e-mail her at .