Your friend calls with some exciting news, "Hi, I've just listed my house for sale. Can you help me sell it?" Say, what? You are on the other end of the phone, stunned. As you struggle to meet your friend's enthusiasm, you are trying to cope with a number of negative feelings - hurt, anger, disappointment, and bewilderment. You know you should ask why she didn't list with you, yet you must walk a fine line so that you don't jeopardize the friendship. What do you do?

The first thing you have to do is realize that your friend may already be under contract with another agent, so attacking, whining, pleading and cajoling will only make your friend uncomfortable, or worse, put her on the defensive. When people are on the defensive, they often say things they don't mean, simply to avoid "being wrong." That isn't the position you want for your friend.

Second, you must get your feelings under control so that you can hear your friend's response objectively. Objectivity is the only way you will be able to resolve the situation in a positive matter. Your friend had a reason for choosing the agent, even if it was based in ignorance of what you do for a living. You need to know what that reason is because you may be losing other listings for the same reason.

Start with a few basic questions that might reveal what you want to know without risking making your friend uncomfortable or putting her on the defensive. Ask: Why is she selling her home? How did she choose the other agent? Were other agents interviewed? What has the agent promised to do for her? Has a contract been signed? For how long? What is the asking price of the home? Did she get to see comparables of the neighborhood? Is someone showing her homes? Has she signed a contract with a buyer's agent?

How your friend responds to these questions will help you categorize the reason she didn't list with you, plus give you an opportunity to help her find a new home as her agent. Most of the time, you will find that there are only a few reasons why a friend or relative fails to list with you. Either your friend was ignorant of what you do for a living, or she had another relationship to protect, or she did not choose you because she thought the other agent, for whatever reason, would do a better job.

Ignorance about what you do

The public is often ignorant about the role of the real estate agent. The new agency laws and disclosures don't make it any easier. If strangers don't know what you do, perhaps your close circle doesn't know either.

Have you ever really sat down with your friend and explained what it is you do? If you haven't, she might not know. Think about when you are making listing presentations to other sellers - don't you have to explain what the selling process is all about and what your role is? You outline for sellers what you will do using a timeline to closing. How can you expect your friend to know these things if you haven't told her what you do for a living.

Ignorance about other people's professions is legion. My boss, his wife, and I attended an industry function recently. He was asked by one well-meaning person, "How is your computer business doing?" Running an Internet news service and directory is hardly a "computer business," but that is all the man knew to ask. Think about it. Pick a friend and try to describe what he or she does for a living. Do you really know?

Most people know more than one agent

Have you ever thought about what the expression "six degrees of separation" means?

A few years ago, a movie was made on the topic and a game called Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon was introduced. The premise of the six degrees of separation is that every person on earth is separated by only six people. One person has a sphere of influence of hundreds or even thousands of people, and out of those thousands, someone knows someone else until the chain of six crosses the country or the world and comes back to the original person. In the movie, a wealthy socialite can have a connection with the poorest ghetto resident. In the game, every director, actor or producer can somehow be traced to a relationship with actor Kevin Bacon.

The point is that if the world is separated by only six people even your best friends will know other agents besides you. They may have compelling reasons to choose another agent's services over yours. You need to find out what the other agent brings to the table that you don't.

Many people will assume that you only work in the area where you live. Your friend "assumed" you wouldn't be able to help her as well as the agent who farms her area.

The other agent could do a better job

I recently had a personal experience of this kind that very nearly upset one of the most important relationships in my life. A close relative had recently received her real estate license about the time I decided to sell my home and move to a larger home. Our area was in a very hot seller's market, and I knew that it would be to my advantage to find a home to buy first. I happened to be in a neighborhood driving and found a home being marketed by a commercial Realtor who did not have the home in the MLS. I knew if I jumped on the home, that I could get the seller's agent to represent me at a reduced cost to the transaction.

I took the gamble. The key to making it all work was the quick sale of my present home. I obtained an equity loan for cosmetic improvements and to use as a down payment towards the other home. Although I knew that my relative had a license, she had told me that she would remain at her full time job, doing real estate only on the weekends or "when the opportunity came up." I knew that she would not be able to market my home in the quick manner I needed. I didn't want to be stuck with two house payments. Her loyalty was clearly with her first job - not with real estate. When would she have time to work with agents and buyers? Instead I chose a seasoned agent who was familiar with my neighborhood, and we had a contract within a week, before the improvements were even finished. I was able to close on my old home less than two weeks after my new home closed, and managed to avoid making overlapping house payments. The agent handled numerous details, during the week days.

My relative was understandably hurt, but if she had been a true professional, she would have realized it was a business decision and nothing personal at all. Later, she helped my brother buy a home, and the difficulty of working two jobs at once opened her eyes. She had a terrible time trying to schedule showings on her lunch hours and after work. I never had to explain to her or anyone else why I didn't list my home with her.

Now, how do you recover from the blow and keep your friendship?

Resolve to help your friend sell her home anyway

Explain to your friend that the listing agent relies on other agents to bring buyers to the home and that you will do your best to help. Ask your friend to let you know when open houses, neighborhood tours or other special events involving the home are scheduled.

Resolve to keep your name in front of your friends, relatives and acquaintances. Tell them what you do, and how easy it is for you to help them with their home buying or selling needs.

Tell your friend that you want her to think of you for any of her home buying or selling needs.

Published: April 19, 1999

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