Still not coming to terms, getting your way, or resolving a conflict in a win-win manner? Here are some tips to help all sides get what they want.

1. Have a main spokesperson. That is what an agent is for. If there is more than one person representing you or your group's interests, make sure that only one person is responsible for taking the lead in discussions and that each person know the content area and personality style they will represent.

2. Don't offer what you can't accept. Do not bluff in making an offer you cannot live with, if accepted. For example, including parts which you believe the other person would find unacceptable and not accept and then would move onto another alternative.

3. Make the same offer a different way. Do not overlook rearranging the same elements of an offer to find a more mutually attractive compromise. For example, in money, consider alternative timing and division of payments.

4. Walk your talk. Find ways to reflect your values in how you approach your work and all the people in your life. Your mission gives you your daily context and boundaries.

5. Be present. As many contests require, "You have to be present to win." Keep grounded and involved in what is happening right now, what is being said at the moment, glancing to the past and future only for context and balance.

6. Consider how you say what you say. Consider their perspective in how you make any request. For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a denial of his request. Yet if he'd asked if he could pray while smoking he might have received a positive response.

7.Make and keep agreements. In an often unpredictable world, you build an "emotional deposit' of trust when your words and actions aren't contradictory. Then when you make mistakes, as you will, they have built up a level of trust to help them forgive your lapse.

8. Have a larger vision of yourself. Use this vision as your reference point for making daily choices. Establish your central life purpose and core values and let your actions reflect them. Your choices are much easier to make, you will inspire loyalty and attract others to act out their best side when around you.

9. Take your high road. Have a core set of values and a vision of your service and role in your life; relate your vision to your mission of your organization, your role among family and friends and your actions in reaching agreements

10. Use time, rather than letting it control you. Plan and act early to avoid last minute rushing and thinking. Do not be panicked when you have unavoidable outside time constraints. Use the time pressure to get more accomplished in less time.

11. Find fairness first. Remember it is usually more important to be -- and appear to be-- fair than well-liked. And, while not mutually exclusive, they are not always synonymous options.

12. Agree amongst yourselves first. If more than one person is involved in representing one perspective in a conflict, it is always helpful to agree on the bottom line first among yourselves; and to not mistake knowing the content to be discussed with agreeing on your common bottom line. We don't always hear the same things, even among genial colleagues. Thus your bottom line and specific approach bear repeating amongst yourselves before entering discussions with others.

13. Always show respect in your process even if you can't respect the person. If you embarrass someone while trying to reach agreement, you may never have their full attention again.

14. Recognize your blind spots and your hot buttons. When you find yourself getting angry with someone else, look to yourself before lashing out.

15. There is no single "right method." The best way to reach an agreement depends more on the situation than on a set negotiating style or method.

16. Show respect for yourself by respecting them. Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim of the underdog.

17. Trust the power of trust over all other qualities. Being right, smart or hardworking is often no help in protecting your interests. Being trusted to act in mutual best interests is often more valuable.

18. Be a "synthesizer "leader. The person who listens longest at first, then most refers to others' points in common as a way of stating their own perspective will eventually gain the most power in a group.

19. Support their pride in how they are performing well. The more they like the way they are when they are around you, the greater the chance is that they will like you, even give you credit for things you did not do and go out of the way to help you, event to their own detriment. On the other hand, if they do not like the way they are when they are around you, they will blame you for it, more than they are consciously aware. They won't give you credit for things you did and may even sabotage projects on which you are working, even to their own detriment.

20. There is no single "right way." The best way to reach an agreement depends more on the situation than on a set negotiating style or method.

21. Make them feel safe and respected. In every situation, people are guided by their fears and opportunities, their instinctual likes and dislikes. They will always respond quicker, stronger and longer to what they fear and dislike. Acknowledge and respond first to their concerns and they will be open to hearing about the opportunities.

22. Help them change. People change most easily when they believe others they respect have already done something similar. Your third party endorsements from those other people are a credible grounding for your points.

23. Paint your biggest, best picture for others. Give people a vivid picture of all that they could have and they often won't settle for the lesser option they originally considered.

24. Show them the positive longer view. Many seemingly foolish disagreements and negotiations are simply acting to prevent looking foolish later on. The best peacemakers work hardest to allay the other person's worries first.

25. Look for the real source of the anger. When someone is angry with you, consider that she may be upset with herself before you respond.

26. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed. When you are involved in any argument lasting more than ten minutes, ask yourself: "Are we arguing about what our disagreement is really about or is there a deeper conflict not being discussed?"

27. Aim humor at yourself. One way to release tension is to poke fun at yourself. Make reference to a situation where you did something foolish.

Published: May 24, 2000

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