“You can't always get what you want..but, if you try, sometime, you just might find…..you get what you need.” - Rolling Stones

I don't know about you, but I have some days when things don't turn out as planned. The great news is I have learned I always have a choice when this happens.

While you can't control others or their actions, you can make different choices for ourselves. If you do what you can, from where you are, the result will always be continued learning, growth and, yes, that elusive success.

Three laws of living life to get what you need

Law #1: Start From Where You Are

When things have gone seemingly awry, an enormous amount is usually spent on blaming and what “could have/should have” happened or been done. While it is informative to learn from the past, as we'll look at in Law #3, first do a frank assessment of where you are right now. This is critically important because, very often, we don't assess all of the situational elements or even the reality of what is so. Emotionalism may lead us to conclusions that aren't the best solutions. Separating what is so from our opinions, and feelings about it, can shed light on solutions that may not have been seen

So, start by writing down the answers to these simple questions:

• What is the problem? State it clearly in one sentence, i.e. My production is below what I planned, or my buyer has turned into a flake.

• What beliefs or decisions have you made? “My production is off” could = “I don't work hard enough,” or ”the markets have changed,” or ”I knew this goal was unrealistic, etc.
• What is the gap? Be specific in the gap between the “expected outcome” and what you've got. For example, suppose you had a yearly production goal for this year and right now it is 66% into the year and your production is only at 40% of what you planned.

Law #2: Focus on What You Can Do

As humans, we are drawn to fixing what is wrong, to what does not work, to what's not done. In my coaching practice, I find people make quick strides in productivity when the focus is shifted to what they CAN do, what they do well and what is easiest.

There are always things you can do, even if it is just letting go of this situation and getting onto the next. When the road of life presents you with a roadblock, take another road! Persisting and persevering can force results, but the same energy spent in another direction often puts you back into the flow. Try the easy way.

Now, take your situation and ask these questions:

• What can I do? List the action steps you know that would address the gap. Take a look at what has been working or did work and see if you can increase these actions.
• What should I stop doing? Letting go of what isn't working is often more important than adding anything new. Just as building new habits takes time and vigilance, letting go of what doesn't work or habits that don't support you takes effort and awareness.
• What new decisions would move this forward? Review what you wrote under the first set of questions about the decisions you have made about the situation and make up a new decision you COULD make with the same circumstances: Instead of “I don't work hard enough” you could make the decision “I need to work smarter and make better use of my time.” For each decision, belief or rule, you have about this, find a way to reframe it into a new perception that will open up some more alternatives.
• How else can I achieve what I want? What resources, new techniques, situations or alternate solutions would yield the end result that I want? Focus on getting to the end result, not tweaking the current actions. This is really what we talk about when we refer to “out-of-the box” thinking.
• Who else can help me? There are literally hundreds of people who will help you if you will ask. A great book on asking for what you want is The Aladdin Factor by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen

Whatever we focus on expands. Focus on what's wrong and you'll get more of that. Focus on what you want and you'll discover some new ways of getting it.

Law #3: Engage in constantly learning, finetuning and raising your standards

If you endeavor to treat the things that happen to you as learning experiences or lessons, rather than more bad luck, you can use every experience to become more effective.

• What needs to change in my systems? Was what happened due to incomplete information, inadequate training, or a less than fail-safe system? What could have prevented this?
• What boundary do I need to set with others? How did you allow others to negatively impact you? What request could you have made or boundary could you have set to have avoided this outcome?
• What standard of behavior for myself would have prevented this from happening? Is part of the problem an area where your values and expectations of yourself are not aligned? For everything we choose, we give up something else. For instance, to become a top producer could take many hours of work that would keep you from your family. When you take care of what's really important to you first, you can then focus on other goals. However, if you focus on the other goals and your needs and values are not being honored, you will find you have a hard time achieving your goals or feeling any satisfaction in your achievements.
• What new actions will honor your values and create a congruency? Life lessons tend to recur until we learn them. It may seem that we are reliving the same situations over and over, with only a changes the cast of characters. If you notice this happening, it is a good place to pause and ask what the lesson is to learn and how can you learn it once and for all? These types of situations begin a nagging whispers where we know something isn't quite right. If you ignore the whisper, it gets a little louder and usually there's a “gut-feeling” in your body. If you ignore this, a problem will usually surface to get your attention. If that isn't handled or addressed, it will turn into a crisis. The earlier in this cycle you are aware of needing to pay attention…the less drama you'll have and the fewer crises, but it takes your awareness.

So, “If you try sometime…… you just might find…….. you get what you need!”

Published: September 28, 2001

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Joeann Fossland ePRO, GRI, MCC, PMN, SRS is a dynamic speaker and business coach. Co-creator of THE REAL ESTATE GAME® and NoBloggerLeftBehind.com, she provides coaching solutions to enhance your effectiveness and life balance. You can subscribe to her free weekly tips, attend free monthly tele-seminars, and find out about classes delivered by email and personal coaching by visiting Joeann.com or email her at .