The term "quarrel" has been defined as "the minimum number of people required to hold an argument". One of the many challenges facing homeowner associations is resolving disputes between neighbors. Noise, parking, pets, fences and other territorial imperatives can erupt into all out war with seemingly little provocation. Most conflicts result from a failure to communicate. Neighbors, wanting to avoid confrontation, stew over issues until their emotional pots boil over, usually scalding innocent bystanders.

Conflict is a natural part of human relationships. Self interest almost always outweighs the neighbor's interest. Neighbors become embroiled because interests at are odds. Here are a few suggestions for quelling the quarrel:

Know What's What. Some issues belong to the association, some do not. Don't get involved unless it affects the general harmony of the community. The Board wasn't elected to police neighborhood squabbles so don't take them on. People that can't get along often look for others (you) to blame.

Let Them Deal With It. If asked to intercede, suggest they discuss and resolve it like adults. If they won't, so be it. Don't encourage immature behavior by facilitating it.

Clarify the Issue. If the issue impacts the whole community, clarify it. What seems to be isn't always what is. Ask each party what they think "it" is. Often it boils down to personality issues that are very difficult to reconcile. If it is, this may be one of those situations where a stern written warning needs to be issued to both parties to "cease hostilities that disturb the whole community or the board will have to consider punitive measures". Exactly what those measures are depends on the nature of the problem and advice from a knowledgeable attorney. Hopefully, the warning letter will do the trick.

Facilitate Discussion. If the association's interests are involved, here are several tips for facilitating the discussion:

• Schedule a convenient time to talk

• Agree on a neutral place for the meeting.

• Stick the facts. Steer clear of "He said, she said".

• Avoid blaming, insults and exaggerations which make it difficult to consider other viewpoints.

• Listen, even if you disagree, to better focus on the issues.

• Defuse hostility. Let them know you understand they are angry or upset. Explore what's behind the emotion.

• Direct the conversation toward solutions.

• Question claims and assertions:

  ___There are too many/much/little/few... Compared to what?

  ___You never...What would happen if we did?

  ___We've tried that already... What was the outcome?

  ___The only way is...Yes, that's one option. Any others?

  ___It will never work...What would work?

Good conflict resolution focuses on needs, not positions. Keeping peace in the "hood" should be a top priority and with the proper approach, you will quell the quarrel.

For more information on this subject, see www.Regenesis.net.

Published: November 28, 2001

Use of this article without permission is a violation of federal copyright laws.