The purchase of most homes starts with a marriage beforehand, followed by dreams, saving of down payment funds and then the contract. Unfortunately, the seven-year itch hits for many spouses and these houses of dreams must be dispensed of in the midst of the horrors of divorce. Been there, done that and it's about as fun as threading a needle in your eye.

On the options side, there really are only three choices:

1. Do you keep the house for one of the parents and kids?
2. Do you sell the house now and split the proceeds?
3. Do you keep the house and rent it so you can sell it for a better price later?

The answer to these questions and their implementation, however, can be very emotional and heart-wrenching.

For real estate investors, the purchasing and selling of property is generally directed by the numbers -- will it make more money than it costs to acquire and rent out? However, the purchase of a personal residence takes more than numbers -- it takes emotions, personal tastes, lifestyle choices, etc. Does the house "feel" right? Are there enough rooms for the kids and grandma when she visits? Is it in the school district where our kids attend? Can we grow here as a family/homeowner?

Then the tragedy hits and all those emotions must be dealt with again -- almost in reverse: It feels horrible living in the dream home with "him" or "her." Who cares if I ever see her mother again. Where will the kids stay -- here with mom or at his house?

We never think about how we'll answer these questions, because it's a situation we all hope we'll never face. In my volunteer work with single parents, I've seen that how the house was handled paints a long-lasting picture that will stay with both parties (and the children) whether it was an amicable split or the divorce from hell (which, personally, is where I believe they all come from).

In these perilous moments of decision making, one of your initial visits should be with an accountant or loan officer who can methodically run through the numbers for both of you to see what you'll be able to afford separately. Keep the emotions of trying to keep as many "things" on your side of the table in check and deal with the hard cold numbers. The numbers are black and white and don't lie. If there's only $5,000 in monthly income between the two of you then there's only $5,000 per month between the two of you. There's only so much money to go around -- live with it and accept it. If your spouse is hiding income and assets from you, that's a separate issue and needs to be taken up with an attorney.

Once you know if someone can stay in the house move toward the most important part of the decision-making process -- how the move will affect the kids. Without getting into personal counseling, let me just say that from experience, the number one decision should be on how all of this will affect your kids. If dad must move out, get a dwelling close by. If the house must be sold, be sure to get two other properties that will provide for the security of the children with their parents.

Since the primary reason couples break up is over finances that usually means they are over extended and the house may have to be sold just so the two of you can move on -- taking the equity to pay off bills and start separate lives. If the market has dropped, you may need to rent out the property for a while until you actually have something to sell without coming to the table with a check.

If one party is going to stay in the property and the other leave, then you may need to file a Quit Claim Deed -- meaning your soon-to-be-ex-spouse gets the title to the property. The Quit Claim can be filed without refinancing, however, you both may need to stay on the loan for a while until you both get back on your feet financially and the other person can refinance in his or her own name. All of this, of course will be dealt with in the separation/property settlement -- meaning, the attorney(s) will hammer it out.

If the payments can be made on the original loan and a second mortgage or rent payment can be folded into the financial capabilities of you both -- then do it. The kids need the security of staying put if at all possible. However, if part of the reason you are where you are is because you bought off more than you can pay for -- then sell it for as much money as possible and divide the proceeds.

When divorce forces you to split the property try to remove your emotions, get advice from the appropriate professionals, look at the numbers in black and white, and then move forward.

Published: March 19, 2004

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Mr. Carr is an award-winning real estate broker in Northern Virginia and authored "Real Estate Investing Made Simple: a commonsense approach to building wealth." He also contributed to Donald Trump’s book, "The Best Real Estate Advice I Ever Received," and is an active trainer and coach of top producers in the Washington DC market. As a sought-after expert on real estate, Mr. Carr has been featured on CNN, various broadcast outlets and was the former real estate editor for The Washington Times. He accepts questions at his blog www.RealEstateOlogy.org.