While conflict is inevitable, we do have choices about how we are going to deal with it. When handled in a constructive manner, conflict can be a catalyst for new awareness, new understanding, creative solutions and enhanced relationships. However, we don't always deal with conflict in a constructive way and sometimes don't deal with it at all. Conflicts rarely get better with time. Here are some SMART suggestions for how to deal with conflict the next time it arises.

Speak Directly. Talk directly with the person with whom you have the problem unless there is a threat of violence. Meet face to face or talk over the phone to explain your concern in a positive, respectful manner. Direct conversation is much more effective than sending an anonymous letter, banging on the wall or complaining to your friends and neighbors.

Plan What You Will Say. Think about what you want to say in advance. You will want to talk about the problem as you see it and how it affects you. You want to help the other person understand that a problem exists and invite them to help you find a solution that you can both live with.

Choose a Good Time. Choose to talk with your neighbor when there will be enough time for a thorough discussion. Consider a time when you think the other person will be most receptive. A quiet place where you won't be easily disturbed can make it easier to talk and listen.

Speak Openly and Honestly. Have a positive attitude about finding solutions. Anger or blaming the other person makes it difficult for him to hear and understand your concerns. Remain open to hear a different perspective than your own, seeking to understand before being understood.

Focus on Feelings. Discuss your concern focusing on your feelings rather than a lecture.

Listen & Summarize. Give the other person a chance to explain their view, describe their own concerns, and share their own feelings. Summarize what you hear and ask questions to clarify your understanding of their views. Understanding the other person's perspective does not mean that you agree with them. However, in order to find a solution you must have a complete picture of the problem.

Talk it Through. Don't ignore the part that seems too difficult or minor. Your resolution will be durable if all issues and needs are considered and addressed.

Consider Possible Options. Brainstorm some solutions that might remedy the problem. Be creative in thinking up solutions but don't critique them until you have run out of ideas. Discuss the solutions that you both think might work. Two or more people cooperating to find a creative solution are much more effective than one person demanding that the other make a change. Be SMART about a Solution. A good solution should be "SMART" (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely). For example, "Beginning tomorrow, I will bring my dog in at 9:30. If I forget, please call me and let me know."

Follow Through. Agree on when and how you will check in with each other to make sure that your agreement is working and then do it. Communicate immediately about any changes or if your solutions are not having the desired result. Congratulate yourselves on working together to resolve the problem.

For more innovative mediation techniques, see Regenesis.net.

Published: August 8, 2008

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Richard Thompson owns Regenesis, a management consulting company that specializes in condominium and homeowner associations. He is a nationally recognized expert on HOA management issues. Regenesis publishes The Regenesis Report, a monthly newsletter for HOA boards, developers and managers. To subscribe, go to Regenesis.net. He can be contacted by email at .