As I watched the Big 10 basketball game a couple of weeks ago between the University of Michigan and the University of Wisconsin played in Madison, Wisconsin the Badgers won the game 77-63. With Wisconsin leading and the game seemingly in hand, Coach Greg Gard, the Wisconsin coach called a time out. As a fan at home, I was not sure why, but maybe he just wanted to insert some of his bench players. This is only a guess on my part. No matter the reason, Gard is entitled to do that. Juwan Howard, the Michigan coach, took it as an insult, saying it’s an unwritten rule – not to be done.

As customary, both teams and coaches line up to shake the hand (some hug) of every member of the opposing team. Coach Howard, angry at the fact that Coach Gard had called that “late” time out did not show up to be in that handshake line, but he was grabbed by the arm by Coach Gard (presumably to shake his hand). Howard taking it as an aggressive move by Gard, turned, pointed his finger at Gard angrily, and slapped Wisconsin assistant coach Joe Krabbenhoft in the face.

With both team members in close proximity, all wanted to be a part of that melee – and did. Howard’s team had lost that crucial game and he was seemingly in no mood for that handshake. But Howard had a sportsmanship obligation to do so. In fact, to me, that’s an important aspect of a coaches’ job – his ability to take a defeat (no matter how stringent) in a true sportsmanship way!

With regard to that “lineup to shake the opponents’ hand”, if you watch closely, you perhaps have noticed the faces and demeanor of each player that they are in that “lineup” because they are ‘told to do so.” Looks to me that it is mostly perfunctory! The players on the winning team are happy to be there. The losers not so much. Some collegiate sports do it. Others don’t.

Many comments have been forthcoming, and commentators are jumping in. One comment was that the conference commissioner ought to get involved. He did. However, the real issue is with the coach himself. In hiring coaches, integrity is as important (to me) as his ability to create a winning team!

Will you log in as to whose responsibility it is to set the tone for good sportsmanship?

Confidence left the building, in your mind’s eye, you despise how you look – even though it’s a brand-new outfit and you thought it was great until….

Something happened and your self-talk went into witness protection. 

Nowhere to be found is the real life you – you know…the successful, attractive badass that you really are.

So, what’s the deal?

• Maybe you ran into your ex with his new love, and she looks gorgeous
• Or you run into a past old friend on the same day your power went out (for days) and you feel like you looked like  a complete wreck…
• Or maybe this scenario happens – You’ve been waiting for this date with a new great guy and as the day gets closer, your image of yourself slides so far down you can’t even scrape it off the floor?

What is this really about?

• Imposter Syndrome?  Maybe they’ll find out that you aren’t that smart, cute, efficient, neat, cool, etc?   PS: Who are “they” anyway?
• Imperfections you are quite sure are noticeable by everyone as if it was showcased on a Manhattan billboard?
• Self-Acceptance? – Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, and to me is much easier said than done.

Are you ready to hear this…?  It happens to the very best of us!  We lose our “way” for a few minutes and WHAM… our vision of ourselves is slam dunked like it was built on paper.  

What’s the real deal here?

• We gave our power away
• We traded our comfort for the approval of someone else, who by the way is likely as perfectly  imperfect as you are
• We fell short of living up to the social front we think they believe.
• We allowed the IMPOSTER in our brain take over the sane part and listened intently
• We secretly feel like we are “not enough” or have ever been enough
• We are fixated on “comparing” ourselves to another person and thus therein lies the gap….

And here’s a real bugger..Those women who appear to have it ALL TOGETHER – don’t always have it all together . And want to know how I know that?  

Short real life story:
There is this amazing woman, accomplished in every way possible.  When I sent her a thank you note, I got a simple text back which made me realize and confirm that even high level women have one of those days as the note simply said: “ Thank you  - I needed this – I was having a MOMENT”. That told me that super successful, highly accomplished, smarter than slick, beautiful inside and out women most likely all have those “moments’, and there’s your sign….Validation that everyone has that “moment”.

After interviewing over 274 women in business from top CEO’s to small entrepreneurs every one of us will have one of these experiences at some time. They seem to happen when we may be physically and or emotionally exhausted, made by someone close to us who made a comment that cut us to the bone. 

Whatever the case, one “ouch” should not take down the wholeness of you. The question I ask is, WHY?

Why does one incident hit us so hard we lose the connection to our real selves and put someone else’s opinions, thoughts and views above our own?

If you are human, you are bound to be impacted in some way with other humans, well meaning or not. 

Just remember, their opinion comes from their own misgivings and are likely the result of their “secret” insecurities and shortcomings. By pointing out where you fell short, missed the mark, are less than may be their way of trying to feel better about themselves.

Solutions:

Yes, I hear you – Wine and Chocolate do work as a buffer – and hiding in the rabbit hole for a while is okay too, but you can’t hang out there too long.

You might agree that the failure to hold your ground was a wakeup call to evaluate to yourself that it is okay to screw up once in a while, or to accept that you aren’t going to be a supermodel anytime soon.

The one thing you’ve got that no one else will ever have….is you!  70 Trillion cells make up your humanness and your life experiences, values and beliefs can never be duplicated EVER making you a real masterpiece. 

Let that sink it for a minute.

Do a review of your best assets:  You might start with you are a loving, kind, giving, resourceful, hardworking, generous hearted, super cook and have been told on several occasions, a good dancer, kisser, team player.

Focus on the good stuff – and put the “other” in a space to evaluate at another time. 

I recently had a well-meaning friend tell me my fashion choices were “boring”….too black, too plain, too whatever, even though most of my wardrobe is selected by my very own fashion designer (Don’t be too impressed, I hate shopping, don’t have time and would buy black anyway)

That was her (nice) way of saying I need to kick it up a notch with some jewelry, accessories, etc. That I was too “practical” in my choices (true) – 

And I could have felt badly about it, but instead, I let her help me with some new accessories etc. – 

The fact is, I don’t really care about the accessories, but maybe I should a little 

Take what is observed from others, especially those with whom you have a connection with a “grain of salt” as hopefully they may be well meaning.

The bottom line is this: 

You aren’t going to be attractive to everyone, all the time, 

Some days you’ll feel like a winner and then in that tiny moment of time, maybe not so much

Just know that you are YOU and although there is always opportunity to strive for a better version, you can rest assured you are perfectly imperfect right now.

Now…where is that wine?